From the peak of a growing black hole of angst, anxiousness and flat out anger that occasionally shows rears its ugly head with a driving force like I’ve never experienced. I challenge myself to channel this rage that comes from some unknown source that plagues my days. Am I just spoiled, is this my brains’ pouting attempt when I don’t get what I want? Is this the result of extended periods of stress? Either way, the pure anger I feel is scary and foreign to me. What is truly scary is that I am beginning to enjoy it.
It consumes me at times, others I do not feel its presence.
What causes these self loathing flares? Is it the re-occurrence of dishonest friends? The lack of direction I feel? These %&#(*@) people driving around me at 5AM?
WHAT IS IT!
The sad truth is I do not know. All I know is the feeling that makes me want to rip the steering wheel right off the dashboard, throw it out the window and just let what happens next take its course. I want to go visit a few people only to toss them the largest hail maker from the top rope they have ever experienced… maybe it’s the METAL blaring in my ears… nah, couldn’t be. I want to run screaming into a gym, rip 500lbs from the floor ‘til I bleed then go run a marathon. That should quench it.
I Think.
There is the part of me that wants to go buy a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of the cheapest whiskey I can find and 2 large pizzas and just go nuts in some dimly lit corner of an abandoned building like some fiend desperate for that next high.
I want to do a lot of things, will I… no
I will do what I always do
Just keep driving, keep hearing the loving embrace of a screaming voice in my head, push forward as always.
I will do what I always do
Strive with everything I have to use these feelings for the power of good.
I will work harder to become a better man, stronger mentally and physically.
I will use this anger to drive my ambitions.
And yes, hopefully scrape some serious damn weight off the floor this afternoon!
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